so, i just watched garden state for the second time in two days-- i've found that when im not watching it, i'm thinking about it. not because it changed me, or because it affected the way i see or think, but because it told me what ive been thinking. it told me exactly what i posted about before (which is kind of weird)(see 10/2/04). the thing is, whether you're 17, or 27, or 57, we all have this common link-- we're all searching for something, constantly, endlessly, painfully. but theres this beautiful mutual understanding that we all have with one another and with ourselves: we know that in order to find home, we've got to get a little lost. and being lost is where life gets interesting; its where we make the stories we tell our kids about, its what we think about right before we go to sleep in our safe, comfortable beds. and its the fact that we change our definitions of what is security and what is uncertainty so often that proves that we're growing.
i guess this movie did that for me.
there's no "between the lines" crap to think about. it's all there, sincerely, wholly, candidly.and before i knew it, i found the best and worst parts of myself in each character, and i connected on an entirely knew stage: i connected with myself.

yesterday while walking to the parking lot, trying to avoid the puddles (because the rain had just stopped), i was looking at the ground around me reflecting the parking lot lights, and all of a sudden i saw heavy rain drops start to fall into the puddles just a few feet ahead of me, while i was standing, dry, rain-free. it lasted for a split second, and within moments i was drenched, but it was long enough for me to tell myself to remember that instant forever, because for some reason, after that, it didn't feel so bad to be in the rain

colin hay- i just dont think ill ever get over you

god this song is beautiful. it makes you feel like when you hit your funny bone or fall on your ass; it hurts and part of you wants to cry and the other part wants to laugh, and at the same time that your eyes tear up, you smile. its happy sadness, or, im okay sadness
i think it feels like that

its number 5 on the garden state soundtrack- if you have the cd and havent listened to this song, do-- if you dont have the cd, find some way to listen to the song.

few things feel better than feeling capable.
capable of doing anything, really, from climbing mountains, to aceing that test, to running a marathon, to living your dreams. and i think thats what i've taken away from this experience. not just confidence (because confidence can easily screw you over) (i already had confidence), but the sensation of feeling that i can do this. i think its something we love to hear ourselve say, and love even more to believe, but nothing can replace what its like to feel it. and i think its such an integral part of my life and how i want to live, that im surprised i've gone on this long without it, or at least without acknowledging it. i think that now i can always remind myself that im capable-- even if im not, i can try to bullshit my way through it-- and i can really try to move, not just forward, but in all sorts of directions, and see beauty in both my triumphs and my failures.