I think the scariest thing is believing that you have some sort of perfect approximation of your own capabilities. Some people take comfort in it- i think i did too- but lately i've been hoping more and more to prove myself wrong. Maybe theres some sort of deep-rooted self-deprecation that we all take part in by imposing our own understandings of our limitations; by setting a sort of barrier between what is possible and impossible, there's no way we can get hurt, right? No harm, no foul. But the thing is, having these sort of barriers kind of freaks me out- it's probably the same reason organized religion kind of freaks me out- because it's almost like slapping a post-it on your forehead that says, "you can dream as much as you want, just dont pass this line: _____." and every morning when you look in that mirror, you see that invisible post-it in your reflection and though part of you takes comfort in knowing something for certain in an all too uncertain world, the other part is secretly dying, just hoping that you're wrong about who you think you are.
i think i'm beginning to rediscover that internal struggle that everyone talks so fondly about- i want so badly to be bigger than i actually am, i can almost feel myself on proverbial tippy-toes. and i almost feel like a spectator in my own life, taking part in a sort of audience-interactive play, where i can tell the characters what to do, and occasionally take part in the performance, but for the most part, i know that i'm pretty much helpless when it comes to the outcome. i just wish someone would let me in on the secret, you know? what an awful feeling it is to expect rejection.
so i'll take one day at a time (i dont have much of a choice), and try to take the advice i've been giving to everyone else for far too long. i'll just keep doing what i love, and hope that the people that hold my future in the palm of their hands see in me what ive always seen in my reflection, sans that bloody post-it.