today my brother and i decided to take two separate routes home (something we never do) because he wanted to go to mcdonalds and i wanted to go to sav-on. i always take forever in sav-on because i get so caught up with the sales and the shampoo and the chapstick and the candy that it takes me far too long to get out of the store. when i got home i expected to arrive after my brother, because he does know how to go through those fast food lines fairly quickly, and i did. i went to my room and as i was putting away my newly acquired chapstick and mentos i heard my brother screaming my name. i responded, kind of startled by the worry in his voice, and i he came to me so relieved and told me that he thought i had been abducted and was getting ready to go look for me. he told me that he said to himself, "the last time i ever see my little sister she's wearing jeans and an orange shirt!" i smiled and said, "i'm wearing purple."

these past few days have been so sad, im trying really hard to not think about the past or the future, which is really unlike me. there seems to be a permanent lump in my throat that when i try to clear away, makes tears spring up to my eyes. its kind of stupid and impossible to try to make up for all the years that we ignored eachother and hated eachother and physically abused eachother. and i really dont want to because all of that only makes me smile. i have such a good brother and he loves me and he tells me and i know it. i said it before and i really do mean it- after all these years that ive been waiting for his departure from home, im more excited about his arrival into the world.

my dad just walked in chuckling to himself and said to me (in between fits of laughter):
"you know, i'm watching this 'seventh heaven' show on tv... (choked up in laughter)... and theres some guy who... who... thinks hes... nap-p-p-olean! (with a big grin)... oh man, i just think... there's someone writing this stuff, and this is darn good writing. darn good writing"
oh boy. i cant find one thing in that that isnt funny.

today my brother and i were riding home in the car:
"foram? time?"
"brother, 7:18"
"temperature?"
puzzled, "approximately 67 degrees"
"forecast?" "partly cloudy with a chance of rain" (speaking for me)
"no, partly sunny"
"ah, the optimist's forecast, i see."

well, it was funny. i guess you just had to be there

i think im really lucky to have the friends i have. my parents always said that im lucky that i have the ability to choose good friends, but in reality, theyre the ones that choose me. whenever i go to hillary's concerts, gill tells me what a good friend i am. i never really know what to say; i dont do go because i think that its my duty or anything, i do it because i love her. after all these traumatic, divine, seemingly endless years, i still love her. because really, she's grown into me; which seems so bizarre because i dont know how many times we have stood at different ends of an issue. but the beautiful thing is, although we are such different people, she always has a way of making me feel whole. i feel so whole that it brings me to tears. the support that comes from me is something earned, something deserved. i guess my love is something that i've always had for her, and she me. innate love that will never change, because now it runs deeper than friendship, it runs through the vessels in my body. its so ridiculous and naive when i look back on my papers from school with our initials written above the "B.F.F", i still laugh at it and shake my head in shame. but while so many childhood friendships fade from years of distance, i feel like ours really can last forever. it's already been almost decade, so hell, we're already on our way there.

it's so great to ride in the car with friends at night listening to loud music with everyone quiet so you can really think without feeling alone

I am so glad to hear that marsha mason is still alive. i dont know why, but for some reason i thought that she was dead and i remember telling so many people that i was really upset that she died, and i really was. but i just found out that she, in fact, is not dead. and im really glad and relieved. i told my dad she was dead, too, and i have to take that back soon because he was good friends with her (in his college days when he was in his prime)

Did you know that for the first nine years of his life, Eric Clapton thought his mother was his sister? and that he had a love triangle with George Harrison and George Harrison's wife? and that he lost 3 of his closest friends in a helicopter accident? and that he wrote the song "Tears in Heaven" (which i recently decided is my favorite song ever) for his son who died when he fell out of a 49 story building? and that he is the only person to ever be inducted into the rock n roll hall of fame three times? i am in awe of this man.

i remember when we shared a room. my bed was closer to the door so everyone would throw their crap on it. i would scold them and throw it onto my brother's, and we'd end up in another one of our fights. our arguments were more than just arguments, they were spectacles. all-out brawls around the house complete with fists and high kicks. they ended up either with both of us in tears or (more later on) fits of laughter. when he moved downstairs, i finally got the privacy i had been waiting for. no more crap on my bed and freedom to decorate as i pleased. for the first two years we barely even saw one another, we practically had separate floors. when people asked me if we got along, i told them that i actually never really saw him. which was the truth. and really, i dont see anything unusual about it, even now. it kept peace among the household. when i entered school with him, anonymity was impossible. our resemblence and obvious relation was undeniable. i was the Little Sister, the one thing i had dreaded. of course, it had its benefits, he being popular (in good and bad ways) in school sort of helped me make friends. but my greatest fear was living in his shadow. now that he's going away to college, for the first time im honestly beginning to wish the best for him. and god i dont know what it is, maybe its all the people around me leaving or maybe its that whole senior thing "oh, this is the last time i'll...blah blah" or maybe its being surrounded by all this nostalgia but whatever it is, i cant help but think that after all these years of restlessly anticipating my brother's departure, im more excited about his arrival into the world.

"slap slap" "wah wah" and the baby is born!