Friday, April 30, 2004

last night i had my dance class and it was wonderful. it was one of those classes that i have once in a while where i leave with butterflies in my stomach. the dance im learning is so beautiful, its not difficult to learn it because it goes so well with the music, its hard to believe that one came before the other, it feels like they were created together, for eachother. its amazing.
i remember watching senior dancers when i was 9 years old in awe. i used to hope to dance like them, i still do. its so weird and surprising to feel close to something like that. its amazing.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Half a mile from home, at the farther edge of the woods, where the land was highest, a great pine-tree stood, the last of its generation. Whether it was left for a boundary mark, or for what reason, no one could say; the woodchoppers who had felled its mates were dead and gone long ago, and a whole forest of sturdy trees, pines and oaks and maples, had grown again. But the stately head of this old pine towered above them all and made a landmark for sea and shore miles and miles away. Sylvia knew it well. She had always believed that whoever climbed to the top of it could see the ocean; and the little girl had often laid her hand on the great rough trunk and looked up wistfully at those dark boughs that the wind always stirred, no matter how hot and still the air might be below.

There was the huge tree asleep yet in the paling moonlight, and small and silly Sylvia began with utmost bravery to mount to the top of it, with tingling, eager blood coursing the channels of her whole frame, with her bare feet and fingers, that pinched and held like bird's claws to the monstrous ladder reaching up, up, almost to the sky itself. First she must mount the white oak tree that grew alongside, where she was almost lost among the dark branches and the green leaves heavy and wet with dew; a bird fluttered off its nest, and a red squirrel ran to and fro and scolded pettishly at the harmless housebreaker. Sylvia felt her way easily. She had often climbed there, and knew that higher still one of the oak's upper branches chafed against the pine trunk, just where its lower boughs were set close together. There, when she made the dangerous pass from one tree to the other, the great enterprise would really begin.

She crept out along the swaying oak limb at last, and took the daring step across into the old pine-tree. The way was harder than she thought; she must reach far and hold fast, the sharp dry twigs caught and held her and scratched her like angry talons, the pitch made her thin little fingers clumsy and stiff as she went round and round the tree's great stem, higher and higher upward. The sparrows and robins in the woods below were beginning to wake and twitter to the dawn, yet it seemed much lighter there aloft in the pine-tree, and the child knew that she must hurry if her project were to be of any use.

The tree seemed to lengthen itself out as she went up, and to reach farther and farther upward. It was like a great main-mast to the voyaging earth; it must truly have been amazed that morning through all its ponderous frame as it felt this determined spark of human spirit creeping and climbing its way from higher branch to branch. Who knows how steadily the least twigs held themselves to advantage this light, weak creature on her way! The old pine must have loved his new dependent. More than all the hawks, and bats, and moths, and even the sweet-voiced thrushes, was the brave, beating heart of the solitary gray-eyed child. And the tree stood still and held away the winds that June morning while the dawn grew bright in the east.

Sylvia's face was like a pale star, if one had seen it from the ground, when the last thorny bough was past, and she stood trembling and tired but wholly triumphant, high in the tree-top. Yes, there was the sea with the dawning sun making a golden dazzle over it, and toward that glorious east flew two hawks with slow-moving pinions. How low they looked in the air from that height when before one had only seen them far up, and dark against the blue sky. Their gray feathers were as soft as moths; they seemed only a little way from the tree, and Sylvia felt as if she too could go flying away among the clouds. Westward, the woodlands and farms reached miles and miles into the distance; here and there were church steeples, and white villages; truly it was a vast and awesome world.

~ Sarah Orne Jewett

Saturday, April 24, 2004

i found this on a fellow blogger's blog... its an article about courtney love from rolling stone. im not a fan of either, but its engrossing and damn good work.
http://www.rollingstone.com/features/featuregen.asp?pid=2904
So yesterday my brother officially decided that he's going to go to berkeley. i fully support his decision... such a great school, in such a wonderful area... with an urban outfitters so close by! how can you go wrong!?everythngs going to be really really quiet without him though. its gonna be weird

Thursday, April 15, 2004

today i had my first official swim mete as an individual swimmer. i swam the 50 free and 100 free and placed 2nd and 1st, respectively. it was so exciting. im very happy about it. its kind of weird because these past weeks ive been so bothered by swimming and ive been resisting the idea of quitting (which i wont let myself do) and ive been dealing with a couple of mean girls on the team. i wish i could say that ive been trying my hardest but i havent and now i think im ready to swim like hell.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

un malheur ne vient jamais tout seul

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

today my brother and i decided to take two separate routes home (something we never do) because he wanted to go to mcdonalds and i wanted to go to sav-on. i always take forever in sav-on because i get so caught up with the sales and the shampoo and the chapstick and the candy that it takes me far too long to get out of the store. when i got home i expected to arrive after my brother, because he does know how to go through those fast food lines fairly quickly, and i did. i went to my room and as i was putting away my newly acquired chapstick and mentos i heard my brother screaming my name. i responded, kind of startled by the worry in his voice, and i he came to me so relieved and told me that he thought i had been abducted and was getting ready to go look for me. he told me that he said to himself, "the last time i ever see my little sister she's wearing jeans and an orange shirt!" i smiled and said, "i'm wearing purple."

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

these past few days have been so sad, im trying really hard to not think about the past or the future, which is really unlike me. there seems to be a permanent lump in my throat that when i try to clear away, makes tears spring up to my eyes. its kind of stupid and impossible to try to make up for all the years that we ignored eachother and hated eachother and physically abused eachother. and i really dont want to because all of that only makes me smile. i have such a good brother and he loves me and he tells me and i know it. i said it before and i really do mean it- after all these years that ive been waiting for his departure from home, im more excited about his arrival into the world.

Monday, March 08, 2004

my dad just walked in chuckling to himself and said to me (in between fits of laughter):
"you know, i'm watching this 'seventh heaven' show on tv... (choked up in laughter)... and theres some guy who... who... thinks hes... nap-p-p-olean! (with a big grin)... oh man, i just think... there's someone writing this stuff, and this is darn good writing. darn good writing"
oh boy. i cant find one thing in that that isnt funny.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

today my brother and i were riding home in the car:
"foram? time?"
"brother, 7:18"
"temperature?"
puzzled, "approximately 67 degrees"
"forecast?" "partly cloudy with a chance of rain" (speaking for me)
"no, partly sunny"
"ah, the optimist's forecast, i see."

well, it was funny. i guess you just had to be there

Monday, February 02, 2004

i think im really lucky to have the friends i have. my parents always said that im lucky that i have the ability to choose good friends, but in reality, theyre the ones that choose me. whenever i go to hillary's concerts, gill tells me what a good friend i am. i never really know what to say; i dont do go because i think that its my duty or anything, i do it because i love her. after all these traumatic, divine, seemingly endless years, i still love her. because really, she's grown into me; which seems so bizarre because i dont know how many times we have stood at different ends of an issue. but the beautiful thing is, although we are such different people, she always has a way of making me feel whole. i feel so whole that it brings me to tears. the support that comes from me is something earned, something deserved. i guess my love is something that i've always had for her, and she me. innate love that will never change, because now it runs deeper than friendship, it runs through the vessels in my body. its so ridiculous and naive when i look back on my papers from school with our initials written above the "B.F.F", i still laugh at it and shake my head in shame. but while so many childhood friendships fade from years of distance, i feel like ours really can last forever. it's already been almost decade, so hell, we're already on our way there.
it's so great to ride in the car with friends at night listening to loud music with everyone quiet so you can really think without feeling alone

Saturday, January 17, 2004

I am so glad to hear that marsha mason is still alive. i dont know why, but for some reason i thought that she was dead and i remember telling so many people that i was really upset that she died, and i really was. but i just found out that she, in fact, is not dead. and im really glad and relieved. i told my dad she was dead, too, and i have to take that back soon because he was good friends with her (in his college days when he was in his prime)

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Did you know that for the first nine years of his life, Eric Clapton thought his mother was his sister? and that he had a love triangle with George Harrison and George Harrison's wife? and that he lost 3 of his closest friends in a helicopter accident? and that he wrote the song "Tears in Heaven" (which i recently decided is my favorite song ever) for his son who died when he fell out of a 49 story building? and that he is the only person to ever be inducted into the rock n roll hall of fame three times? i am in awe of this man.

Monday, January 05, 2004

i remember when we shared a room. my bed was closer to the door so everyone would throw their crap on it. i would scold them and throw it onto my brother's, and we'd end up in another one of our fights. our arguments were more than just arguments, they were spectacles. all-out brawls around the house complete with fists and high kicks. they ended up either with both of us in tears or (more later on) fits of laughter. when he moved downstairs, i finally got the privacy i had been waiting for. no more crap on my bed and freedom to decorate as i pleased. for the first two years we barely even saw one another, we practically had separate floors. when people asked me if we got along, i told them that i actually never really saw him. which was the truth. and really, i dont see anything unusual about it, even now. it kept peace among the household. when i entered school with him, anonymity was impossible. our resemblence and obvious relation was undeniable. i was the Little Sister, the one thing i had dreaded. of course, it had its benefits, he being popular (in good and bad ways) in school sort of helped me make friends. but my greatest fear was living in his shadow. now that he's going away to college, for the first time im honestly beginning to wish the best for him. and god i dont know what it is, maybe its all the people around me leaving or maybe its that whole senior thing "oh, this is the last time i'll...blah blah" or maybe its being surrounded by all this nostalgia but whatever it is, i cant help but think that after all these years of restlessly anticipating my brother's departure, im more excited about his arrival into the world.
"slap slap" "wah wah" and the baby is born!